Holiday Pack 2013

Released: 2013
Summary: Originally released as 7 different packs throughout a “12 days of Christmas” theme.

White Cards:

  • These low, low prices!
  • Giving money and personal information to strangers on the Internet.
  • A magical tablet containing a world of unlimited pornography.
  • Piece of shit Christmas cards with no money in them.
  • Moses gargling Jesus’s balls while Shiva and the Buddha penetrate his divine hand holes.
  • The Hawaiian goddess Kapo and her flying detachable vagina.
  • The shittier, Jewish version of Christmas.
  • Finding out Santa isn’t real.
  • Slicing a ham in icy silence.
  • Making up for 10 years of shitty parenting with a PlayStation.
  • Swapping bodies with mom for a day.
  • The Grinch’s musty, cum-stained pelt.
  • Breeding elves for their priceless semen.
  • Jizzing into Santa’s beard.
  • Rudolph’s bright red balls.
  • Congress’s flaccid penises withering away beneath their suit pants.
  • The royal afterbirth.
  • Having a strong opinion about Obamacare.
  • People with cake in their mouths talking about how good cake is.
  • A simultaneous nightmare and wet dream starring Sigourney Weaver.
  • Being blind and deaf and having no limbs.
  • [First Name Last Name]

Black Cards:

  • But wait, there’s more! If you order ____ in the next 15 minutes, we’ll throw in ____ absolutely free!
  • Blessed are you, Lord our God, creator of the universe, who has granted us ____.
  • Because they are forbidden from masturbating, Mormons channel their repressed sexual energy into ____.
  • I really hope my grandma doesn’t ask me to explain ____ again.
  • What’s the one thing that makes an elf instantly ejaculate?
  • Revealed: Why He Really Resigned! Pope Benedict’s Secret Struggle with ____.
  • Here’s what you can expect for the new year. / Out: ____ / In: ____.
  • Kids these days with their iPods and their Internet. In my day, all we needed to pass the time was ____.