- A Christmas stocking full of coleslaw.
- A Hungry-Man™ Frozen Christmas Dinner for One.
- A toxic family environment.
- A visually arresting turtleneck.
- Another shitty year.
- Clearing a bloody path through Walmart with a scimitar.
- Eating an entire snowman.
- Elf cum.
- Fucking up “Silent Night” in front of 300 parents.
- Gift-wrapping a live hamster.
- Immaculate conception.
- Krampus, the Austrian Christmas monster.
- Mall Santa.
- My hot cousin.
- Pretending to be happy.
- Santa’s heavy sack.
- Several intertwining love stories featuring Hugh Grant.
- Space Jam on VHS.
- Taking down Santa with a surface-to-air missile.
- The Star Wars Holiday Special.
- The tiny, calloused hands of the Chinese children that made this card.
- Whatever Kwanzaa is supposed to be about.
- After blacking out during New Year’s Eve, I was awoken by ______.
- Every Christmas, my uncle gets drunk and tells the story about ______.
- Jesus is ______.
- On the third day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: three French hens, two turtle doves, and ______.
- This holiday season, Tim Allen must overcome his fear of ______ to save
- Wake up, America. Christmas is under attack by secular liberals and their ______.
- What keeps me warm during the cold, cold winter?