Holiday Pack 2012

Released: 2012
Summary:

White Cards:

  • A Christmas stocking full of coleslaw.
  • A Hungry-Man™ Frozen Christmas Dinner for One.
  • A toxic family environment.
  • A visually arresting turtleneck.
  • Another shitty year.
  • Clearing a bloody path through Walmart with a scimitar.
  • Eating an entire snowman.
  • Elf cum.
  • Fucking up “Silent Night” in front of 300 parents.
  • Gift-wrapping a live hamster.
  • Immaculate conception.
  • Krampus, the Austrian Christmas monster.
  • Mall Santa.
  • My hot cousin.
  • Pretending to be happy.
  • Santa’s heavy sack.
  • Several intertwining love stories featuring Hugh Grant.
  • Socks.
  • Space Jam on VHS.
  • Taking down Santa with a surface-to-air missile.
  • The Star Wars Holiday Special.
  • The tiny, calloused hands of the Chinese children that made this card.
  • Whatever Kwanzaa is supposed to be about.

Black Cards:

  •  After blacking out during New Year’s Eve, I was awoken by ______.
  • Every Christmas, my uncle gets drunk and tells the story about ______.
  • Jesus is ______.
  • On the third day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: three French hens, two turtle doves, and ______.
  • This holiday season, Tim Allen must overcome his fear of ______ to save
  • Christmas.
  • Wake up, America. Christmas is under attack by secular liberals and their ______.
  • What keeps me warm during the cold, cold winter?